Daydreams of the Reaper's FriendIn terms of suns and ancient stone,
I got the impression that you were talking about grief for a loved one lost, a lover. when you are asleep you dream that she is with you again, and that you are happy. When you wake you must leave her behind as she (metaphorically) continues to rest. you have decided now that grieving has been done, and that you wish to return to your present life and move on with it even though you still miss her.
I adored the lines:
"I'd destroy the world to taste your lips,
And watch them burn alive."
That, to me, was the most striking part of the poem. I didn't have any trouble at all interpreting the poem- I say interpret because I don't know if that was the intended meaning or not- your imagery really helped me track the piece from beginning to end. Keep up the good work! XD
I truly felt like this poem would have read better if you had kept up a more consistent use of her/your. In the beginning you establish that the girl you speak of is the reader, but later you switch (as if telling the reader about her). Either one would have been fine, but using both is confusing. that's just a simple POV error that you could fix in a jiffy! In addition, I felt like it was a bit vague in the first stanza compared to the others, are you talking about your relationship with her dying? That could just be me not understanding what you were trying to say, but it seemed a little unrelated.
I hope you thought this helpful. Happy writing!
Thank you SO much for the critique!
This is the first time I've ever received TWO! on the same piece. I'm ecstatic!
Anyway. Thank you for you kind words and your criticism, I meet with nods.
You have alot of good points. I have always had some in-continuity issues with POV, and with grammar.
I love the fact your interpreted it yourself, rather than took a guess at what I wrote about. That is what writing, I feel, is all about. Creating a unique world that is not only unique to you, but to your reader as well.
I commented my explanation of what this song means to me on the other critique, if you ever find yourself curious as to what I actually meant by everything on this.
I'm glad you selected those lines as the 'most striking' part. Because that line is the one that spurred me to write the whole song.
Anyway, thank you again for your critique. I come back to these from time to time to help improve my workings.